Literary Nonsense by Char

In Loving Memory of Aiden Harris

2011-09-17T19:20:00.008+08:00

They stared at me angrily. Faceless eyes, obscured from daylight. They were vaguely familiar, something I felt so oddly accustomed to, like a comforting memory or a vivid daydream. They reflected a contradiction of itself; a playful memory and a haunting one. Should I feel scared? Should I scream? I should, doubtlessly. Yet, it’s the same old story. My voice was ready, ready to explode in shrill terror, and then I’d stop. Why? Suddenly the fear would relieve itself and I’m left wondering, “Who are you?” A veil of shadows hung loose over the room, it was cold and quiet. The whisper of my angel’s devil came hauntingly beautiful, "Emma... Emma... Emma." I thought to myself, I must know you from somewhere.

15th February 2009 - Emma saw the regret behind a facade that gave light in Aiden’s eyes. Why Aiden? How could you? These questions ran wild in an endless bubble of thoughts. Suddenly, her mind was struck with a throbbing pain and she fell to the ground. She screamed in agony and Aiden, losing faith in his façade, let it drop. He rushed to her side attentively, "Emma, Emma? Are you alright?" "Get away from me! You lying cheating monster!” she spat. Guilt stricken Aiden slowly backed away feeling helpless. The silence of twilight was disrupted by Emma’s cry of pain but was left unheard for the vigilant slept in the quiet of the early morning. Confused and disorientated, she stumbled to her feet and spat at Aiden menacingly, “You’re dead to me, Aiden.” Despite the throbbing pain, she stormed out of their apartment and ran as far as her feet could take her.

As she wished it, Aiden was dead, to her.

Two years later- A polyphonic ringtone blared while my brain was in the mid-rant of a nightmare. My voice sounded dried and cracked, like how a sleeping man's voice should. I tried my best to imitate a greeting as I picked up the phone, “Mmmmflo?” A lady’s voice rang clearly through the room, "Aiden! Where are you!? You are late!” It was like someone had stepped on the fast-forward button; it was an immediate reaction, my body threw itself out of bed and before I knew it, I was rushing out the door with my suitcase intact.I lived a few blocks away from work. Yet, the problem you see is I live very, very on top, the top to be precise. My house was hidden in the clouds, so you could probably imagine the hassle it was to get from top, to bottom. After a painfully long 20 minutes of people getting on and off the elevator, I was quite sure I'd lost my job. I was greeted with the full blast of winter walking out the front door and the noise of avid honkers and car revvers. It was New York's City finest way of saying, "Good Morning!" I broke in to a run; it was pointless trying to get my car. Ironically, I owned a sports car that was rendered useless in the midst of New York City's rush hour. I was about to turn at the next curb when something caught my eye. Not something, but someone.

She wore white, just like how I left her. Her face breathtakingly beautiful and her golden blonde hair radiated the sun’s rays as if specks of gold dust floated luminiscently around her. She stood by Starbucks, gently sipping a hot drink to warm herself from winter. She parted her lips and her breath froze against the harsh winter breeze. Subconsciously, I walked closer till we were tête-à-tête and I was faced with her sparkly blue eyes. "Emma?" I muttered. Her face remained unchanged. I tried a little louder, "Emma?" Her face grew strange but still she remained unresponsive. The strangest occurrence our eyes locked, then she walked on by.

As if I was a ghost.

My usually pink lips were chapped from the cold of winter. The thickest coat I owned happened to be my favourite white cashmere. As I stood by a local coffee house, all snuggled up and warm from a hot cup of chocolate, I heard the same strange whisper, "Emma? Emma?" Hauntingly beautiful, it sent chills running up my spine, the kind that even winter failed to do so. It came from straight ahead, but all there was, was the rush of New York City and an empty pavement. My pager blinked with a warning that I was late for work. I left immediately for some fancy French club that my boss had pre-booked for the celebration of a business merger with a multi-million dollar corporate firm.

Le Poisson Rouge, I glanced up from my monochromatic pager. This was the place. I walked through the door with my head held high and the air of a sophisticated corporate major and swung into action immediately. I schmoozed around with some of the head honchos from the new merger company. We laughed and held intellectual conversations and by the time I was through, I wondered why none of my colleagues had followed suit. I realised why, there she stood in a sea of men with their raging hormones like a bunch of love-struck teenage boys. Emma wore her flowing white dress that complimented the slender shape of her body and I too fell prey to my own pheromones. Jace Mcflurry, a well-known womanizer in the office and also my best mate put his arm around me, "Would ya' look at that. You know her, Aiden?" he said, his strong Irish descent peaking higher than ever. My response took me by surprise, "Yes I do, let's go over and say hello.”

I excused myself from a horde of men to find myself a drink. Mingling was a tiresome chore but what choice did I have? It was my bread and butter. From the corner of my eye, a red-headed man approached me. "Emma," a strange voice said. Yet the Ginger’s lips remained still. The Irish man then spoke, "This bloke over here says he knows you? Any idea?" he smiled. On a regular occasion I would have been flattered by such a handsome young man but what he said was far more curious. "Excuse me, but who are you talking about?" I said curiously. "Well this one of course!" he gestured to an empty space. I looked at him strangely and said,"...But there's no one there."
Jace darted from me to Emma repeatedly. He asked her more seriously now, "Do you know an Aiden Harris, Miss?" Her teeth clenched and her fists balled and the mention of my name, "Yes, I do. What about him?" Jace continued, "Well he is standing right next to me." Suddenly, fear and confusion intermingled with her features; the most prominent of features were her eyes of course. Her angelic face fell and what seemed like guilt and repent tore her apart. She then whispered, "But Aiden Harris is dead, I killed him."

Emma refused to believe I was alive, she started scream and break things. I was brought back to the time when I cheated on her. There was always something different about Emma. The way her face changed from love to worry, from worry to anger and from anger to fear, all in a flash of lightning. As time passed, her condition worsened, she became neurotic and violent. I had always thought Emma was strange but now I realise, there is something genuinely wrong with her.

My head throbbed with so much pain as the voice got louder. The pieces came clearly now, the figure that haunted me was a vague resemblance of Aiden. The devil of my angel. I screamed, “I’m sorry Aiden, I’m sorry I killed you!” Aiden’s devil called out to me, “Emma! Emma!” I heard the shattering of glass and there was blood, so much blood. Then all was quiet as the world faded to black and for a split second, I saw Aiden again, his voice now angelic and his eyes reassuring. He whispered, “Emma, are you alright?” Then his words were lost in the wind as he disappeared behind my eyelids.

Someone had called 911 when Emma started to act violently, there was blood splattered all over the broken pieces of tableware, Emma’s blood. The paramedics had to tranquilize her before she inflicted anymore injuries on herself. I rushed to her side and whispered, “Emma, are you alright?” Before the paramedics took her away, with her eyes fluttering close, she looked at me and smiled, like she could see me. Then I realised that I was still in love with Emma.
Emma’s symptoms demanded she be treated for having psychiatric disorder. The senior psychiatrist had heard of Emma's strange ailment and decided to take lead. The doctor had informed me that the occurrence of her case was the rarest of its kind. It was very peculiar. Her case became far more curious when all her test results turned up negative. There was nothing wrong with her. At least the results seem to think so. There was no cure for her, she was a lost cause. I couldn’t take it anymore so I left, I couldn’t bring myself to hear how the woman I loved, would never be able to see me again.

I felt like a piece of meat, a science experiment as the doctors poked and prodded me in places to check if I was “mentally stable”. I had to give a full account of what happened that night between Aiden and I. It repulsed me. When I was finally discharged from the hospital, I felt just as confused as the night all of this mess took place. I found myself at the foot of the empty apartment where Aiden and I used to live. As I stepped into the forgotten room, I was transported to the night I killed Aiden. It was the 15th of February, 2009. We argued and screamed at the top of our lungs. My expression was as cold as Aiden’s. Yet his façade was breaking lose as I could see the pain in his eyes. I hated fighting, I loved Aiden so much. I knew he had a reason for doing so, but all sense was lost as the pain seeped into my mind. A sharp pain radiated throughout my brain and I screamed in agony. Aiden’s voice came, “Emma, Emma? Are you alright?" "Get away from me! You lying cheating monster!” I retaliated. Then something came unexpected, I grabbed the nearest blunt object I could find and stabbed him continuously till he bled to death. I didn’t hear him scream because all that came next was the darkness. I woke up at the end of the Subway on the 4th Avenue at 5 AM and cried till it was daybreak. What have I done?

There were clothes and broken glass strewn all over the place. Neither Emma and I got around to cleaning this mess, we hated returning here for it was a dent in our memory. We just dropped everything and left, as if this place were haunted. Yet, it is haunted, haunted by our dreadful past. Call it fate or destiny, I wounded up here in hopes that I could see Emma again. Fate was on my side for there she sat, perched on an old stool, sobbing quietly by the kitchen counter. Even though I knew she couldn’t see me, I walked over to her and swung my arms around her waist and kissed the back of her head, for the very last time. I would disappear to let her live normally again. She spent her life rebuilding and remodeling everything the way it was before she met me. It was clear, we have no future.

So I kissed her goodbye.

The sudden warmth of an embrace came, as if an angel had come to kiss my tears away. The warmth was a reminiscent rush of loving memories summoned from a forgotten place in my heart. Nostalgia cascaded down my face in the form of crystal tears as I remembered the similar warmth of Aiden’s hug. I knew, somewhere in a different time or parallel universe, Aiden was beside me, hugging me, comforting me. I sat there in his arms, wishing the ghost of Aiden would always be mine. Finally, Aiden’s devil was gone and his whisper came in a low angelic voice, “Goodbye Emma, I love you.”

Aiden had gone and taken all the warmth of his love with him, leaving the bitterness of winter to seep back into my life. I screamed to the heavens, “Aiden, take me with you!” There was a hollow place in my chest; life would never be the same again, as I felt the ghost of Aiden slip away. My head started to spin and everything became black and white. My life was in a Gaussian blur. I had to see Aiden, for the very last time. I pulled together every conscious sense I had left and staggered to a pile of forgotten photo albums. The pain doubled, excruciatingly so. As I flipped through the pages, pictures of Aiden slowly begun to disappear and all I could see was me. I screamed, in pain, in sadness and in heartbreak. The pain intensified to its peak till I could feel no more. My eyelids started to flutter close. The last thing I saw was a picture of me hugging a mass of thin air, taken right before Aiden’s death. It was like Aiden never existed in my life at all. With my dying breath, I uttered his name for the very last time. Aiden, I’m coming home.

A formal looking envelope arrived at the foot of my front door this morning. As I sat down and drank my morning coffee, I opened the letter and a copy of Emma’s report had fallen out of it. Off the clean piece of paper printed in black ink it read,

“Emma noted signs of inverse schizophrenia, believing the absence of people and things that where there. Signs of schizophrenia were often affiliated with hallucinations and bizarre delusions. Emma had psyched herself into believing you were dead for the past two years as her earlier stages of schizophrenia made her believe that she murdered you. Unconsciously, her ailment worked around her desires and instead made you a void in her life. However, she believed that the ghost of you haunted her. Your encounter with her only further confused her brain causing her inverse schizophrenia to worsen...”

I skimmed the rest of the letter briefly but the last sentence was particularly eye-catching as it read,

"...which my finally result in her death."

All of a sudden the phone rang; it was someone from police department.

Emma lay completely still in her peaceful stance, as if she were sleeping. Her face was completely void of colour and her usually tender skin was stone cold. Policemen seem to pace aimlessly around the disheveled apartment, snapping pictures and interrogating the neighbours. Their footsteps were noisy and wild chatter filled the room. Yet the world seemed to revolve around Emma, as all the noise was just an irritating buzz in the background. Caution tapes were messily stranded around the room, encircling Emma's body within it. I walked over to her, pushing my way thorugh the police and evading the caution tapes. As I cradled her dead corpse in my arms, I noticed a tiny piece of paper clasped between her hands. She held it close with her dying clutch, as if it were something precious. Slowly, I unfolded her hands and it revealed a picture of Emma hugging me, the night before it all fell apart.

Engraved on its back were the words, “In loving memory of Aiden Harris.” In that instant I knew, she loved me too.

Wallflower

2011-08-25T00:21:00.003+08:00

seas of people far and wide,
exist in a world of black and white,
like a daisy in the snow,
how strange a place for me to grow,

little miss. wallflower at the back,
why have you hidden from your pack?

because you see, I do not belong,
i'd rather hide and sing a sad song,
the thorns I know have left me be,
the roses I know, they do not see,

the lonely little flower I am tonight,
or the wallflower I am in plain sight,

one late morning , bright and sunny,

came a long a little bunny,

it found me crying by a tree,

and this is what it said to me,

little Ms. flower, oh do not cry,
one day you'll take off and fly,
someday you'll learn to share your pain,
the tears you cry should not be in vain,

grow and blossom to your heart's content,

live and learn without repent.

Shi Hong's poem

2011-08-20T00:43:00.000+08:00

pretty pastry

2011-08-18T19:02:00.003+08:00

pretty pastry,

a delicious treat,

quite so tasty,

which should you eat?

each on its own a beautiful work of art,

yet different fillings at the heart,

I could be bitter, I could be sour,

or I could be sweet just like a flower,

you kissed the gist of my butter-cream rose,

a pretty cake decorated in blue bows,

held highly in your praise, yet am only I,

merely a possession in your eyes?

you poor chooser of the confectionery,

I must warn you to be wary,

you should have known from the start,

the flavour I have in my heart,

once you tire of the same design,

should you favour pink ribbons instead of mine,

something you had; a pretty blue,

you should know you can't have your cake and eat it too,

please taste my feelings and don't just flatter,

don't expect my heart on a silver platter.

Caterpillar

2011-08-18T05:13:00.003+08:00

stay with me caterpillar,

your time with me was never over,

the sun is still here and i want you forever,

yet that choice of mine isn't too clever.

shall I keep you in this jar?

don't worry, the sun is never too far,

it's a small price to pay,

to be with me all day,

yesterday I came to play with you,

but you sat there wrapped up in your cocoon,

"speak to me," I whispered and cried,

but the silence there was pushed me aside,

be with me caterpillar,

say your feelings will not wither,

yet all has changed of yesterday,

when little me came out to play,

hey Mr. Butterfly where is my love?

the caterpillar I found in my gardening glove,

despite the fact when we touched,

i would itch and hurt so much,

I loved to be alongside you,

but now you've turned into something new,

I can't keep you in my jar anymore,

goodbye butterfly, i hope you find what you're looking for.

your keys

2011-08-17T10:27:00.003+08:00

I left my heart on the window sill,

and watched you walk away,

these curtains have now closed,

but it seems I left the porch light on,

unknowingly, I beckoned you to stay,

and perhaps hope would lead you back here someday,

time in time; I forgot to feel,

but still the keys were in your pocket,

and the porch light to guide you as a way back to love,

back to the core of something I forgot,

some nights ago I felt your presence in my bed,

I hugged you and whispered,

some things I left unsaid ,

things I should have said the night before you left,

but I woke up and reality has it's harsh insights,

more than just a day dream,

a wish that you would change for me,

the strangest occurrence is that I believed,

after so long a decision,

I had lost sight of the truth,

but now you've gone again,

and it will be a reminder to me,

that I should always lock my doors,

before you leave ,

this I must say,

I hope you left the keys at the door.

pieces of glass

2011-08-17T01:45:00.006+08:00

there's a piece of glass stuck in my heel,

the wound there was has long sealed,

for 7 months i walked on glass,

for the final month; thinking it'd be my last,

I spent a year picking up the pieces,

days and months of smoothing creases,

on my heel I plucked those little shards,

now all I have are feet quite scarred,

yet there was one piece quite so stubborn,

to stay in it's place & ground it's position,

so there it left as I continued to walk,

thinking that the hurt would stop,

But no the pain never did leave,

until present day did I perceive,

pretense is no longer a game I play,

I will get you out of my heart someday,

for now you remain as a glass in a heel,

until I learn to remove the emotions I feel.

_____________________________________

* references to Achilles's heel which means somebody's weakness.

hence the glass stuck in my heel is somebody who's found/or is my weakness.

Unlove you

2011-03-12T19:46:00.004+08:00

it's been a year or two,

and I gladly say that I do not love you,

I've become accustomed to nostalgia,

and I'm no longer with insomnia,

yet once in a day I catch sight of you,

and then i feel my heart turn blue,

yet once in a day or two,

I think of how you were untrue,

and sometimes on a random day,

I feel your eyes look my way,

and then i remember how I'd blush 50 shades of red,

and all of the words that I left unsaid,

but present day I am with love,

yet sometimes you're who I'm dreaming of,

lesson learnt; I shouldn't have said,

I'm still struggling to get you out of my head.

yet still I say, "its been a year or two,"

how will I ever forget you?

__________________________________________________________

do not take this poem so seriously lol.

Dream vs. Reality

2010-11-11T22:02:00.002+08:00

In the dead silence of the night, my arms felt weak and my eyes flitted from one wall to another. Four walls. It was like a box, a cage. Enclosing me in concrete bars hidden from the world. It was another day where I had felt the grains of my life slip away deliberately. The silence haunts me yet the darkness feeds on my paranoia. Though I must admit I've been getting better at controlling my fears lately.

Weak, I felt weak and much too fatigued to get up and cross the room to switch on that little bulb of light that keeps safe at night. My little shield from the darkness. Something about that little light gave me an immensely strong and undying hope that just maybe tonight,

tonight I won't have to fight for my life.

Maybe if I closed my eyes. I would fall into endless slumber, away from reality. But I was scared. I knew exactly why.

I'll take a chance tonight. I closed my eyes and counted to a zillion but right before I could reach wonderland. Somebody back on earth spoke louder than one should speak. Somewhere between those lines of her spoken words, I stopped flying to Neverland and was free falling down into limbo. Interrupting my slumber was never too wise a decision, troublesome yes. But for the welfare of your sanity, it'd be wiser if you listened. While my slumber had been abruptly interrupted, the Charmian back on earth cursed into the darkness for knowing what hell she would be in next, the Charmian who was in a capsized ship was on the brink of reality and the rim of fiction dreams. I was stuck somewhere in the middle of reality and dreams, the worse place to be of all. I dreaded coming back here, I was deathly afraid of this place.

A place of eerily orchestrated nightmares. My mind was never a safe place to be, especially not at night.

I was lying in bed , slumbering with the usual exceptions of interruptions here and there but occasionally in my dream , it's as if the devil himself was thrusting images of ghosts on to me. I had dreamed of a ghost. She was pale and slender but her eyes told a tale of malice and the misfortune of others. I stared into her eyes. The image was haunting and the thought lingered when she disappeared. I could feel the darkness once again nibble on the edges of my fear. I couldn't tell if I was awake or not but it certainly felt like I had been. Then something happened. At that very instant I knew I was dreaming. My brother came in with a creepy smile on his face. He held a dagger in hand and stared at me. He just stared at me with his twisted evil smile, his eyes were red and in that fraction of a second where i batted my eyelashes, she appeared and vanished in the position of my brother. He had her red eyes of death and he held her twisted smile upon his face.

He's here to kill me.

But then in the next second he disappeared, and the blaring alarm of my ringtone caught my attention. Its pixelated words formed the word "dad". I was battling with myself , it's as if every decision i made was a two sided battle . Me in real life vs. the stupid and impulsive me in dreams. Then again I am impulsive in real life too, but I'm smart enough to not stare into the devil's eyes to haunt me for the rest of my existence...

and after life.

The stupid version of myself is always so much more empowering, I picked up the phone and all I heard him say was, "run". And in that instant the he/she devil appeared again and chased me into the darkness of the night. I was running for my life now. When all of a sudden I tripped on a snail and my tiredness seemed to resurface as I tumbled downhill . I was tired, bruised and battered. I needed to fight this dream, I needed to wake up , but that was the sad part of how it all ends.

I can't wake up. That's why I hated this place. I will always die a sad tragic death.

Get up. Get up. GET UP! But the consciousness of me in my dreams refused to obey. The devil walked towards me with it's same face and blood stained knife. I screamed so loudly that I'm sure the whole of limbo would have heard but all I heard was a blistering silence. But all of a sudden I broke into a run.

the next thing I knew I was outside my room, staring into it's haunted darkness. And I almost lost my life for the second time when I saw my brother stare at me with a rather confused face and asked , "why did you run out of your room?"

Goodbye is inevitable, it comes eventually.

2010-11-11T13:00:00.003+08:00

I wake up in sorrow filled eyes and in a cold manner; shivering against the slight winter breeze. The world still seemed alive; in motion and full of life. I rub sleepiness out of my sleep dazed eyes and wonder what time it could possibly be if the early morning sun has yet to dawn against the harshly lit skyscrapers and buildings that dwell along the coastline of Atlantic City. 6 AM? Sigh. I touched the dark rings that circle my crescent like eyes and sigh again. Thank my peculiar timing of waking up as it finally has put some good use to it as she had once said. Right now in my homeland it would have been 7 PM, I miss my friends exceedingly. I can’t wait to go home... but I could not bear to see him again, not now; not ever again. Right now, the “bane of my existence” or the “hole in my heart”, whichever, is the wall that stops me from wanting to go home. I could not bear to meet his eyes, those innocent eyes that deceived my trust so many times. As I stare out the window of the hotel room; overlooking the pier and a many tall buildings, billions of twinkling lights lit up the world as I slumbered unconsciously. Gazing out into the endless night sky suddenly makes my heart feel heavy and it feels like moving me to tears. The water that glistened under the brilliant lights of the city felt like tears that would have trickled down my face. I’ve thought about this one too many times, yet I can’t regain control of how my emotions spill out of me like an open book.

Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love a little bit more everyday turn his back and walk away? Do you know what it feels like to watch the half of your heart stop loving you a little bit more each and every passing day? To not be able to fall asleep; wondering if the one you love deeply falls asleep every night with someone else in his mind? When you finally trust him again, he just takes it all and throws it away? To have your heart broken and broken and broken all over again and watch him seem so ignorant and indifferent? To cry and weep and feel alone with no one to hold when he’s out laughing with his friends? To sit in a lonely corner and have him walk pass briskly without even thinking twice about caring? It feels like crap, pure hurtful sincere crap. Crap has never been put to such good use until now as it really is the perfect situation that portrays the word “CRAP”.

I could have been happy, we could have been happy but that’s all it is, it could have been; it’s a path you took and your fiction promises touched my heart misleadingly. You depicted a character I could have loved all my life but you took my trust and ripped it into a million pieces again and again upon recovery. Thanks for being there and making me believe that you cared. With my love growing strong for you each and every day, it’s impossible to face you and not weep in front of your face. It is a great sadness that has been thrusted upon me. I love you so much, if only you could feel the same sincere way about me too.

Once a long time ago, I used to wake up and smile; a truly happy smile and think of you. Now all I am left with is thoughts of how happy I was and could have been... and how much I loved you then, and how much I still love you now. When you asked if I wanted us to break up, my heart felt like breaking in two, it screamed no, it screamed out in terror, hurt and disbelief. I heard my heart cry, I heard it moan and weep. My poor heart suffered from the intensity of emotions that I felt. For once I saw into my heart, it was me with bloodshot eyes from the misery, from the hurt and sadness it has been thrusted upon and had no other choice but then to engulf and endure. My poor lonely heart that watched you slip away each and every day out of my clutches until you were too far out to reach. My broken heart that was too harshly damaged and too injured to nurse.

I had a choice, to have you stay or leave. My heart begged you to stay; the pleading eyes of myself from the very core of my heart froze every inch of my muscle in my body. I knew the decision I had to take, the choice I had to make, and my heart I had to forsake. When you asked me if I wanted you to leave or stay , it just meant you had no interest in trying to fix up our battered relationship, it was strained and it became so one sided and I could do nothing about it. This was not of my own accord and I watched you set fire to our ship and dance on the burning deck. With a heavy heart and all my will, it was a mistake I knew I would regret later but I had to make. With everything I had to lose, I said goodbye.

When the sun finally dawns against the horizon, the lights of the bustling city slowly dies down and the atmosphere of the city starts to sleep for awhile. The billions of brilliant lights that once twinkled in the black of the wee hours of the early morning like fireflies were no longer visible at this time of day. Shades of blue matched the early winter weather here as it looked cold and freezing. The atmosphere of my surroundings looked blistering cold, even by the looks of it sent chills up my spine, literally. The sun that arisen against the sea made the sky fade a brilliant blue red that I loved so much. Its rays cascading down the sky like ribbons and it lit up the harbour as the water shimmered with an orange-red-blue colour. The once black sky that was away from the rising sun faded to a light pastel blue with cotton white clouds that outlined the blue skies. A sense of loneliness overwhelms me and as I looked up at the sky once again, I said a silent prayer and looked for a silver lining among the clouds.

I knew goodbye was coming my way, I just wished it would have lasted a little longer.

____________________________________________________________

this is an old post from before. I wrote it while I was dealing with my break up with somebody :O

Promise from me to you.

2009-11-17T08:30:00.002+08:00

With a guilty heart ; how does one's composure you may keep?
With your hollow promise ; it is how a broken heart may weep,
I don't know how I keep wanting you; just maybe I am blind,
and I wonder If you go to sleep with someone else in your mind.

Sleep you must ; sleep you may,
While I count the seconds awake I lay,
Dreams of you cloud my mind until I fall asleep,
and tears fall unconsciously with thoughts of you so deep.

At the brink of dawn ; I finally may awake,
With tears that drown my sleepy eyes; its a burden I must take,
You made me promises but they were just sugar coated lies,
and the mournful sobs at night is an aching heart that cries.

I'll await your goodnight even if it will never come,
I'll hope everyday even if I may turn numb,
Our love's a blind promise,
like how I should trust you with every kiss.

Cross my heart and hope to die,
Cut my heart out if I lie,
As long as my desires for you remain true,
this is what I promise you,

really and truly,
I love you so dearly.

Happy times never last

2009-10-12T20:07:00.003+08:00

The world is a black hole of abyss,
my world used to be so bright and cheery,
but what has left me so disconsolate?
my smile used to be so infectious,
but now all is that left is just a feeling of dejection,
its like living life with half a heart; wishing to be dead,

how does one become so unhappy when life is just perfect,
a presence of darkness engulfed my happy thoughts,
and left me wallowing in the black,
the situation is so melancholic ; I'm drowning in my own sorrow,
I am something I once feared ; a living shadow,
which blends in the darkness and goes unseen,
when night befalls , the sunless atmosphere matches my mood,

Depressed, alone, unloved,
why do I feel this ?
I know it is untrue yet I feel so uncared for,
why is my mind playing tricks with me?
It's like suffering at the bottom of Tartarus,
that sunless abyss,
take me away cause I'd like to find happiness once more,

what is true happiness?
It is a feeling that is long gone,
how I yearn to remember,
Oh how I wish I was like the me who i knew before,
enlightened with happiness; illuminating a golden glow,
that glow is gone ; no trace of sparkle left in the eyes,
because happiness never lasts and no matter what we do,
delight can never stay eternally,
and we are left to sulk about the happy times that never lasted.

faithful deceit

2009-10-09T22:05:00.002+08:00

In your eyes I saw that glimmer of sincerity,
but in your voice it hints that deceiving lie,
you act like everything you do is out of pure honesty,
but I wary cause it seems like you'll turn on your back and stab me,
stab me continuously with your razor like words,
deceive me with your twinkling glint of trust,
I sweared a zillion times I'll try and forget you,
but with you; you make me lose grasp of my thoughts,
cause they are replaced by thoughts of you,
oh whatever would you do next?
wreak havoc on my saneness; cause I'd go crazy without you,
but with you all the hurt is starting to make a hole in my heart,
so null and void,
I wonder if my presence is missed,
when you are else where,
or is my absence merely just, absence... and nothing more?
I try to believe , believe that your words aren't coated with pretense,
I'm trying but I just can't see it,
you prance like Mr. Perfect,
but when i'm not around your someone else,
a complete stranger to my ears but a seemingly familiar face,
you are sort of like my happy ending gone wrong , but with hope,
how do you trust someone , who has already lied to you ?
That cause I don't trust you, its my heart and soul that does,
don't make me regret this ; because i love you insanely,
you scare me but that's all right because i love you anyway,
that makes no sense at all does it?

Living a nightmare

2009-09-11T20:28:00.002+08:00

tick. tock. tick. tock. Seconds of my life being wasted as I lie awake in bed. The curtains were closed and pinned so that I would be oblivious to the outside world; and it oblivious to me. Nyctophobia. It engulfed me during the night time, too scared to see what is happening around me , for all I know a ghost may pop out of no where. And too scared to close my eyes , something may be in my room that very instant ; and I won't know what exactly, if I shut my eyes, or even blink. Something. Just something may happen; and I don't want to miss it. Tonight , the darkness was a much heavier layer, everywhere was just pitch black like tinted black glass. The lamp that kept the room warm and it's luminous glow that radiated throughout the room had died; a fused bulb. The AC was off but I had my blanket lain in a way that it covered most of my body. I felt safe; protected. Nothing like this ever made feel so insecure .

Hours later in the early morning, my eyes finally began to shut, I tried to blink back sleep but it overwhelmed me. Slowly drifting of into a dreamless slumber , such bliss. Suddenly the household security system blinked to life and blared it's piercing screech-like alarm, disrupting my almost sleep. I growled at the false alarm, turn the bloody thing off. Minutes later the shrill siren sounded , breaking the tranquility in the air; disruption of dead silence. I believed strongly that this was pretense, it was obviously fake. Minutes later the alarm blasted loudly again and I heard someone scream. I was too caught up in my slumber , I tried so hard to jump, but I just couldn't, lack of sleep was my downfall. "Charmian! Where are you!? Hurry up! Get into our room!" I heard them scream. There's an intruder in the house. GET UP! My pulse flared but my drowsy state slowed my movements. Slowly my arm lifted, subconsciously reaching for the door ... and I moved no more. What's going on? I willed my body to move but all that came was the felling of numb. It was like my whole body was anesthetized. I heard them call after me, till their voices were merely carried by the wind ; there was no more sound. My heart raced rapidly, what was going on? It's not possible to freeze up like this. I looked at my arm , I summoned it to move but nothing, just frozen. I heard loud footsteps downstairs which brought me back to reality. Cruel reality. I saw a black figure materialise at the corner of my eyes, it moved closer towards me, closer and closer till I could see the horribly disfigured person . I tried to scream but , my mouth was shut and my scream was internal cause all I heard was my heart beating. Then it hit me, there was no way a thing could have materialised out of thin air, I froze all of a sudden when I was trying to rush out of the danger zone. Sleep paralysis relapse. There was no other explanation. But why now ? I heard the footsteps get louder and louder and stopped. Then I heard someone scream, a woman's voice, mother. She must have waited for me for me. That moment I wanted to take my life instantly. I would get my wish soon. The footsteps now were headed in my direction, I could feel it pulse through my veins. My breathing was suffocated now and I had trouble coping. Curse bloody sleep paralysis. The door swung open and my frozen self was confronted with a man , a man who held dagger that dripped the blood of the innocent. The man's hair was messy ; it cascaded down his blood stained face. He looked vaguely familiar but my shock doused all spark of common sense and memory . He now stood at the foot of my bed and I saw him plunge the blood stained dagger into my skin. Sleep paralysis, I know how to cure it, just close your eyes for a brief moment and drift to sleep. I should have felt the pain at that moment but instead I woke with a startle.

Light seeped into my room and the house was brimming with life. I was still alarmed though. The state of my body was unscathed but I still wondered what happened . Was it sleep paralysis or was it just a dream? I'm sure just a dream. My last sleep paralysis encounter made me prickle with fear. The state of half unconscious awake. I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs, to my horror no one was home. Calm down Charmian, You're a sensible and logical person, I reminded myself. I checked the old grandfather clock the was nestled in the corner of the room, it was 7 am. My mother would have been out exercising this time, while my father would have sent my brother to school. See . That made tones of sense. My pulse simmered and I was my normal self again. But the I dreaded returning to my bedroom the whole day.

Say Goodbye

2009-08-23T10:24:00.002+08:00

I believed that I could handle this alone,
I thought I could still plaster that fraud grin upon my face,
To camouflage my inner most feelings,
I had done well to protect those emotions from resurfacing,
But this time; why had everything else gone wrong?
Why won't my smile work anymore?
How miserably wrong I had been to bottle up my feelings,
Now it is time to let it over pour; and it floods throughout my body,
all the emotions, all the sadness, all the hurt.
and I can't help but shed tears and whimper at these wistful memories,
wistful but pleasant,
such blithe but saddening memories,
I smiled, a pure sense of fondness that spread my memories,
while the tears kept flowing,
I would like to forget, forget to think,
oh but how do I forget; for I would be cutting out a small but special piece of my past,
these are just merely but things I don't want to forget; but if they were consigned to oblivion by my memories,
perhaps I need not weep any longer,
Oh but how do I forget to think?
If everything on this bloody planet,
reminds me of you?
Let's play a game,
I'll give you a nickle if you could find at least ten things that don't remind me of you,
how I would like you to win,
but I know that it is almost impossible,
the first time I held your hand; I couldn't believe that this was reality,
for the first time in so many months, had I experience true happiness.
I still couldn't believe, couldn't believe that you were mine.
and when I said goodbye, I couldn't believe how I could have just let you walk out of my life,
I thought I would be fine ,
but the intensity of emotions was to much to overwhelm,
My heart was still broken , and I was tearful day and night.
I would ask myself silently, "do you simply enjoy hurting me?"
you sprinkled salt to my wound,
and added lemon to the concoction,
but I've gotten used to that,
it was a burden to keep it all in, but I finally let it out,
those days apart, I would sigh forlornly ,
looking up at the sky,
oh it's that time day of day again,
still my favourite time of day,
where the bright orange sun would set against the azure sky,
and it's bright orange rays would spill across the horizon,
but that day I started to weep, for what i saw had been disastrously far from the bright orange sky,
how it used to be a reminder of our once upon a time,
when you said goodbye; you took the orange in the sky with you,
and now only a pink-peach blush is left to cascade among the skies.

A playwright's drama

2009-08-15T21:03:00.005+08:00

My heart's not breaking,
and that is by virtue of empty feelings,
if that is so; why is it that I tremble at your touch?
you and your mysteries; me and my intricacies,
when we kiss; my eyes still won't close,
I'd silently scream for them to close; but they betray me and refuse to shut,
I feel like an actress waiting for that curtain call,
acting? is that we are doing?
if that is so; why does it all hurt ? why do I feel such pain and misery?
my mind is a mess; filled with utter confusion.
I don't want to live a lie,
but is it? is my disinterest merely but a facade?
at the beginning it had felt like a bed of roses,
but it became a void of nothingness,
the poetry I wrote was so full of life and emotion,
now tis' a poet's thoughtless blabber about blank,
I'm still waiting for that curtain call,
I'm sick of portraying a character I am not,
Pretending? a pretense that is seemingly real ;
but is also of false emotions?
the intensity of emotions and feelings are unbearable,
while I perform a mindless scene centre stage,
I'm praying for the ending of this melancholic Playwright's drama.

no talk, no chemistry.

2009-08-14T20:55:00.003+08:00

the "silence" is prolonging,
and the force of attraction dispersing,
like salt in water ; I watch them disintegrate,
just like how the feeling slowly fades away,
you don't say much,
not when you're happy,
not when you're sad,
not when you're ill at ease,
no words ; no reaction,
when your mad ; less interaction,
I dismiss the thought for so long,
but I can't take it anymore,
your constant mood swings and my inability to connect to you is driving me insane!
I try , I really do,
but I failed miserably in trying to converse with you,
I want you to confide in me,
But you would rather bottle up your feelings,
you would rather avoid me than confront me,
less talking, less talking and lesser,
'till there's no more talking,
now we're just glancing,
to call our love exquisite would be called melodramatic,
now we're looking in separate directions,
that trace of sparkle has been put out ;
that there's nothing left but empty feelings, shattered dreams and forgotten memories,
These are all but things I don't want to forget; but what is so sweet to remember?
Our talking is done and our apologies remained unsaid,
the glancing is no more and I have forgotten to remember , forgotten to think.
Now you are just a shadow in my life,
you have escaped my memory, as I have yours.
when we pass by each other, there is no sense of nostalgia,
there is no sense of fond memories,
There is only but your sweet face that had been consigned to oblivion by my memories,
there was no talk, no chemistry,
nothing but things we forget to remember and things we remember to forget,
it is but sweet sorrow,
that glint of shine was washed away by the storm,
after the storm, I waited by my window seal,
but no rainbow came.
________________________________________________________________
This is crap. lol. .___. hahahahahahahaha ROFL LMAO LOL.

Beautiful Poetic Gibberish. Take Care! - MIA

Love without heartache is insanity

2009-08-10T21:39:00.005+08:00

Unbeknown to where the path lead a head,
I walked and walked till' my feet were sore ,
I needed to get away, away from all the pain ,
those painful words that pierced through my soul and plummeted my heart,
we were on the brink of destruction and I was barely holding on,
but finally I conjured up the strength to let go,
I let you go and as I watched you walk away,
the pain welled up inside me but I painted on my strongest facade,
I'd never let you see me cry,
for it may give yourself satisfaction,
it hurts but the thought of letting you win this game ; the pain, would be multiplied by infinity,
I watched you go and I relived the moments where you'd said you'd love me ,
you'd said you'd never leave,
why did you throw your heart in reverse?
it's not me, it was never me, it was always you,
your words were smooth and I was gullible,
easily deceived for I was blinded by my own feelings,
the feelings faded and I realised you were a mistake,
I know longer longed for you but I wanted to make things work between us,
I wanted to relive a happily ever after in a moment in time,
I cursed my own stupidity for now I know that it was almost impossible to change the things way were between us,
my future was set and you weren't in it,
when i signed up for love,
I saw heartache coming my way,
because love without heartache is insanity,
but I didn't expect to crash and burn,
at first glimpse ; you were everything I ever wanted,
and as I watched you leave,
my heart skipped a beat and left my soul behind.

sweet pink confectioneries

2009-08-09T10:10:00.010+08:00

I despise Valentine's Day. I hadn't completely hated love. Rephrase. I don't hate love. Valentine's Day was just so blase. Stereotypical and dull , for some people, exhibit A: me. Valentine's day is when the school grounds are covered in different shades of pink decor. Pink. How I detested the colour. Pink is the colour of wounded tissue , fresh scars and chewed-up bubble gum. What more could disgust you than that? On February the fourteenth of my senior year in middle school, the usual arched doorway of the school grounds had been graced with tacky plastic cupids and cherubs - and more hearts. The way I depicted the situation was overly under exaggerated. Pink sashes of ribbons coiled delicately around the pillars of the entrance- which had also been painted a bright coloured fuchsia to match the current festivity . After much time, I grown to ignore the horrifying colour, so I heaved a sigh and muttered a silent curse upon entering the brightly coloured hallway. The tinted black sunglasses I had worn that day did nothing to hide shades of pink horror splattered across the school. With my orange zip up jacket and denim jeans, I looked miserably out of place among the girls that skipped pass me wearing appalling pink ensembles , frilly pink monstrosities while carrying heaps of roses. I spent the first half of the day dodging giggling girls and couples who obviously enjoyed public their display of affection, kissing and cuddling affectionately beneath the stairs and against lockers. I'd packed a few paper bags today if I did throw up - you couldn't be too careful. By the time the school day had ended, I couldn't be more gratified. At least I'd be free of the pink torture- for a moment, but I had to be thankful. I had to return to school at 3 o'clock to perform my extra curricular activities, which isn't terrible at all. Book club after school hours right now felt like paradise, I longed for fictional characters where the hero/heroine saves the day and finds his/ her happily ever after. See, I hadn't completely detested love, quite the opposite actually. Today school had finished unsurprisingly early , according to the headmistress , who was much too curvy and primped, tapped her delicately manicured nails on her desk while announcing into the microphone that school would end early because , according to her words,"I'm sure everyone else, like me, had plans for valentine's day. . ." Ouch. Her words would have plunged through any girl who was insecure or dateless for the evening, but I for one was just happy to hear the sappy love songs that looped over the stereo system being replaced by her torment induced statement. Autumn in New Hamsphire was beautiful- and cold. After moving to New Hamsphire two and a half years ago, its like I developed a second layer of skin for the blistering cold weather hadn't taken much toll on me anymore. The pavement glistened under the golden sun like it always did after a storm. Although it was still cloudy, you could see the silhouette of the sun among the clouds. I watched my step closely, careful not to step in muddy puddles or slip on the glassy pavement that had been drenched by the storm. When I reached the cafe that was within walking distance of the school, my eyes danced across the stretch looking for a familiar face while pacing back and forth. In the far corner of the cafe, Janie sat by the white table set alongside Oliver. She wore a floaty wrap around dress with kitten-heeled mules in white. As she spotted me her lips curled into a smirk; it's her way of saying hello. I guess it was a rather icy comment that had silently conveyed its mesage, my stomach lurched. Oliver noted my expression and stayed silent , I dared him to go against his girlfriend but no. I dropped my sling bag beneath the chair , careful not to went the contents. I scowled miserably and sank it to my seat while Janie gave me that "what-are-you-doing-with-your-life" look, it was equivalent to sympathy for my pathetic state. Janie was my best friend, however, I was girl next door and Janie was . . . Janie. She was optimistic a bit too peppy Janie. We were miles apart. I guess that was the force of attraction, weird. She placed a hand on my shoulder for reassurance, it annoyed me; I need not reassurance now of all times. I flicked her hand of my shoulder . She retorted, "It's not my fault your dateless again." "It's also not my fault you hate boys..." she continued and she wrinkled her slightly pert nose. "I do not hate boys, it's just that non of the are worthy or unique enough." I stated my point matter of factly. Oliver stood to speak but then he must have reconsidered his action and sat down quietly muttering something about women. Janie shook her head in dismay but she knowing her all this way, I knew she would agree. I cocked my head slightly and faced Oliver, "How are you guys spending your Valentine's Day?" I was disinterested but I had to try to at least sound enthusiastic, for the sake of my best friends. "Thanks for the false interest, I know your trying. . ." said Oliver, "well, if you would really like to know, I'm taking her to a movie then a candle lit dinner." He looked triumphant but what ran through my mind was quite the opposite in fact, tacky and unoriginal. He looked at my skeptical expression and smirked. Janie turned to stare at him as well , she looked defeated. She said at last, "Point quite taken." I turned to the table that was full of sweets and yummy confectioneries, I was famished. The only problem is , all the tables had the same tacky pink desserts, they looked dull so I had refused to consume them. Janie lifted a pink coloured muffin and ran her finger along the embellishment of icing , she scooped a dollop of icing of the muffin with her index finger and licked it off. Oliver look as if his mouth was watering at her sensual motion, he licked his lips. Oliver pulled Janie closer and kissed away the pink icing left on her lips , indulging themselves in a lustful kiss. I dropped the teaspoon on the floor as an excuse to get away ; so i hid under the table. Sexy huh? It's Valentine's day, I'm dateless and I'm totally hardcore at avoiding disgusting couples. I couldn't think of a better way to spend the it. At the sound of love, I was actually dreading till I saw Jonathan. Seeing your crush on Valentine's day without any expression of feelings is definitely the sadest case there is yet. As if on queue, my cellphone sprang to life and I saw Jonathan's adorable picture materialise on the face of the screen, I opened the message and in pixelated letters, awaiting your arrival. My heart skipped a beat or two. _____________________________________________________________

Jonathan clicked away on his phone, his eagerness was obvious and he wanted to see Katie now. All he could think about now was what was running through her mind this very instant.
He paced the wet ground nervously, the cloudy gray sky had matched his mood for the day. He'd asked Katie, the cutie leader of the book group, if he could pick the locale for the day. With the cooperation of the other members, they agreed to cancel today's session. Everyone knew of Jonathan's obsession, except Katie, oblivious to the outside world with her and her love literature. His endless plots to get Katie to finally notice him were usually fruitless. Today will be the day I sweep her of her feet, he thought. For a moment he watched the passing gray clouds fade to blue and the head of the sun could be seen, it 'd blinded him for a moment and he relived a distant memory.

The day was particularly sunny , which was weird. The weather in New Hamsphire was usually dreary and cloudy , if you were lucky, you could at least see the faint shadow of the sun lurking among the clouds. He felt the intense heat of the sun beating down on him and he watched the board walk glisten under the sky. Literary Jonathan felt that today would be a good day; he was anxious to begin the day. He made his way over to the school library where he had signed up for a book group. He read the leaflet that a girl, Janie, as he recalls, had handed out to him a few days ago. Janie was a tall girl with a thin frame. Her flawless fair skin brushed against him when he reached over to grab the flyer. She's beautiful, but no spark. He read and reread the lemon coloured piece of paper, there wasn't much written on it but he had a good feeling about it. In printed writing , it'd only stated its due date and some other information.

Short on extra curricular activities? This book group will definitely help!
The opening of the book group will be held on the 21st of March at the back of the school's library.
Come as you are! 3 o' clock sharp and don't be late! ( most of the book groups meetings will be held in the cafe "Eclairs") the book group will be hosted by Katie Reynolds.

Katie Reynolds , the name sounded vaguely familiar but then again, what name doesn't sound familiar. He checked his watch, ten minutes to three. The day had came to the opening of the book group. Casually, he walked into the library, it's deserted? He walked and walked , but it seemed to come to no end. Finally he reached. . . an intersection? in a library? Strange. There was only one door left , one of the paths led to the official ending of the library which was out in to the school hall. Second path it is. He noticed something on the ground leading towards the doorway, he moved in close to take a look and it was pink , pink and sticky. Icing? The day just gets more peculiar by the second. He opened the door quietly and slid into the room. Behind him a girl chirped in sing song tune , "welcome!" He remembered her, Janie. He noticed how the room was much too well furnished and tasteful to actually be the library. Several people sat around a coffee table with an array of muffins placed on platters. He counted mentally of the number of people in the room, his eyes landed on her, what's her name? His gaze was transfixed, he couldn't look away ; agape. Her hair curled around her shoulders with evenly cut bangs covering her forehead and her head was buried in a book far from the others. Katie presumably? It was like love at first sight, cupid darted his arrow and landed in the centre of his heart. He walked over to her selflessly. "uhmmm, hey?" was all he managed to conjure up. She looked up from her book , slightly annoyed by who had interrupted her solitude but the flash of irritation had disappeared just as quickly. "Hey," she looked taken aback. There blossomed a feeling of admiration and possibly love.

The memory wasn't much, but the first time he glanced at her, it was like he was struck by lightning. Heels over head in love. That day he learned about how she detested the colour pink as she refused to eat the blush coloured muffin he had handed her. Ever since then , he worked on fostering a close bond towards her. Words of confession replayed in his mind constantly but he was always too shy for his plans to materialize. With various emotions welling up inside him, he tried to occupy his time with other things. He laughed to himself and started unpacking his surprise for the day.
__________________________________________________________________

As the time ticked towards 3 o' clock, I got to my feet and so did Janie and Oliver, I walked in front of Janie and Oliver, I need not see them make cute and utterly repulsive faces at each other while holding hands, I had enough of skirting couples for the day. As we neared the school, I looked behind to see if the couple had stopped indulging in each others presence; all I saw were brittle orange-brown leaves rustling and floating across the board walk. No trace of Oliver and Janie. They were probably hiding in a corner cuddling and giggling themselves. Whatever, I thought. I neared the entrance of the school grounds , gagging at the pink plastic hearts. On the far side of the school, I saw Jonathan flash his adorable grin at me and he mouthed the words, "Happy Valentine's day." Am I dreaming because this couldn't be for real. There was a picnic for two arranged on the grass on such a perfect day where my tender olive skin soaked up the intensity of the sun rays. Jonathan walked over to me , gosh he looks so adorable with his hair tousled, why hadn't I noticed that before? I smiled sheepishly at him and pulls out a bouquet of lilies, that had really surprised me. Then I realised that the picnic he had set up for the both of us was absolutely stunning, breathtaking. Unlike any other, the spread consisted of a light blue array of frosted delights , I turned to him and my lips couldn't resist curling into a smile. Just when I thought things couldn't get any better, he pulls out a blue coloured frosted muffin with three wonderful words glazed on the top, I love you. Never had I once in such a long time had I the urge to envelope him in a hug, he pulled me close and I could make out the shape of his lips, closer and closer till I felt his breath warm my face. His lips pressed softly against mine and bliss overwhelms me. "So does this mean you love me back?" he murmured against my lips and to my dismay he pulls away .
I cocked my head with a mischievous smile lingering upon my lips and he arched his eyebrows.
"Naturally."
He smiled and pulled me closer again, I pressed my head against his chest and I could feel his heart thudding. He cupped my face and his lips found its way on to mine, my arms slowly wrap around his neck .
We found a nice shady spot under a tree and we curled together , embracing each other. We kissed affectionately under the crimson red shy till it faded to black. Then we counted the stars under the moonlit sky. Valentine's day wasn't so bad after all and thankfully, it hadn't ended with sweet pink confectioneries.

the end.
____________________________________________________________________

okay i know this one was kinda draggy. I'm no good with stories :/ bubu. - MIA

My mother's eyes

2009-08-07T21:51:00.000+08:00

I stared at the doorway with undying anticipation,
And watched rays of sunlight seep into the dimly lit classroom,
Seated with folded legs by my regular table,
today the orange blue table looked different,
I hadn't payed much attention to it during class; where our eyes darted from the teacher to our note books,
making haste with our pens scribbling relevant data,
the table looked old and fragile; aged by time.
I rested my elbows by the edge of the table,
And cupped my hands delicately around my face,
the atmosphere in the classroom was dull and monotonous ,
Staring into abyss ; I relive a blithe childhood memory,

I sat perched on a stool ,
the chair looked ridiculously huge to me as I swing my legs back and fourth,
my legs were short and chubby so they dangled from the stool, barely reaching the ground.
My eyes centered on my mother who sat nearby me ,
Her lips curled into a dainty smile as she watched her daughter glare back at her intently
and wide eyed, full of innocence.
She walked ever so gracefully towards me and picked me up,
Cuddling on to her torso tightly , afraid she'd let me go.
She kissed me on my upper right cheek and placed me on her lap,
I wore a similar white dress as her,
however, the applique on her dress was more intense,
my stubby fingers danced over the fine embroidery and I smiled at my mother with intrigued pleasure,
came along a virtual strange ; my grip tighten around my mother's torso,
I looked up at her for reassurance but her gaze was fixed on the unknown figure,
He looked at me and said, she looks just like her father .
Just like her father.
Just like my father.
That's all I have ever heard since then, I looked just like my father.
How'd I'd wish I had resembled my mother, I'd like to hear that I looked like her,
as graceful and as poised as her,
I admired her so, i wished I could be just like her,
but all I ever heard was, i looked like my father.
The statement had disinterested me and was a bore to hear,
Till' this very day, I still admired my mother's outlook appearance and character.
And I was back to reality, to the classroom.
There she stood, graceful and poised,
She strode into the room with long , beautiful yet elegant strides,
Her presence somehow revived a lost flame that had been doused not so long ago,
the atmosphere became livelier, brighter.
Her dainty eyes flitted across the room; and landed on me,
at that moment our eyes locked ; an ecstatic fondness overwhelmed us and we smiled ear to ear in unison,
the chatter around me mellowed ,
some of the curious eyes darted to the doorway to see who had arrived,
There she stood, still smiling at me,
her black floral printed skirt swooshed back and fourth,
swaying at the wind's every whim,
she sat on the distasteful chair by the door with her hands neatly folded,
and I watched her movement with intent eyes, just like the child I had once been,
her sense of style was unique ; flamboyant colours with an elegant touch,
to me she shone brightest,
through the eyes of her daughter; I was the child who admired her mother so.
I got to my feet and hugged my mother tightly,
She hugged me back with the same intensity and I didn't want to let go,
but I could feels eyes at my back watching and I release my grasp, bashful.
I told her that I would wait over by my seat ,
and as I walked back to my seat, a friend had asked,
is that your mother? I felt proud for having such a mother and I nodded.
For the first time had I ever been so happy to hear what he had told me,
He looked her over and back at me then said, you have your mother's eyes.

Remind me of your love

2009-08-07T17:23:00.000+08:00

We were two young souls fallen madly in love,
everyday the distance between us grows bigger,
and I'm barely holding on,
I try and grasp our lost love,
struggling to behold a once upon a time,
our ego's got it's way and the consequences did it's a many painful deeds,
I used to remind you of my love ever so frequent,
I'd tell you that I missed and loved you so,
Tis a reminder of my feelings unvaried,
remind me of your love,
I'd silently scream!
remind me of your love,
without my escort,
remind me so,
of how you once loved me,
remind me for I'd watch the time wasted tick away,
the times of how I waited for your reminder,
remind me so I wouldn't sing my melancholic love song,
you're the song that melodiously found it's way into my life,
that's the song I'll sing,
till' I find a new love song again,
from now till' then,
remind me of your love,
so I can sing of our happy ending,
and move on from dwelling in our once upon a time,
remind me so,
therefore I need not end up in sleepless and insomnia nights,
it's the first night in many,
when we did not bid each other goodnight,
I dismiss the urge to pick up the phone and call you,
waiting patiently for your reminder,
I crawl into bed hugging ever so tightly on for dear life,
wishing how you would just remind me of your love,
the mind misty and a blur,
my eye lids slid shut by cause of sleep,
the tears start flowing unconsciously, unknowingly,
when I awake I find my pillow drenched with salted solution,
and I need not memory aid to tell me why,
you grace my dreams but ending unpleasantly,
a sense of insecurity overwhelms me ,
I hide in a corner and sob quietly , relieving the pain I feel,
until my next love song,
every tear I shed, is a reminder of your love left unsaid.

Love = ?

2009-08-06T22:42:00.000+08:00

I feel so ill at ease, bitter self-consciousness.
The thought prods me constantly ever so annoyingly like the flickering lights,
the light bulb dimming in and out, buzzing.
Lost deep in thought, I start reminiscing a sweet past that I treasure so endearingly,
close to heart,
Random topics surface, some thought provoking and all pointing the obvious state of my disturbed behavior,
I silently curse my own stupidity for falling in "love".
Love? What is love? Albert Einstein himself failed to create a hypothesis with supporting rolls to introduce "love" to the world from a scientific view, as I remembered his words clearly, for gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
I smile sheepishly at a distant memory.

You walked next to me , standing tall, carefree.
There was a stretch between us, seemingly short but it felt a mile long.
Wishing to fill the void.
But I dare not break the silence around us, dead air.
I was contented with that then, enjoying the view.
You seemed oblivious to the fact that my eyes were fixated on you,
I couldn't help but stare,
As if on queue you sensed the presence of my gaze and acknowledged it,
you turned to smile and I blushed fifty shades of red,
I was too awestruck to return your smile,
Although it wasn't much, this memory would be second to best,
not much but lovely.
Love is inevitable, but sometimes I wish it wasn't.
Because of love I would lay awake in bed during those long sleepless nights,
and suffer the agonizing pain of a migraine as result of insomnia,
obsessing over you is such a bore,
but then I've got this feeling of "love" really bad,
but for you who I adore,
it is my pleasure to be sad.