Goodbye is inevitable, it comes eventually.

I wake up in sorrow filled eyes and in a cold manner; shivering against the slight winter breeze. The world still seemed alive; in motion and full of life. I rub sleepiness out of my sleep dazed eyes and wonder what time it could possibly be if the early morning sun has yet to dawn against the harshly lit skyscrapers and buildings that dwell along the coastline of Atlantic City. 6 AM? Sigh. I touched the dark rings that circle my crescent like eyes and sigh again. Thank my peculiar timing of waking up as it finally has put some good use to it as she had once said. Right now in my homeland it would have been 7 PM, I miss my friends exceedingly. I can’t wait to go home... but I could not bear to see him again, not now; not ever again. Right now, the “bane of my existence” or the “hole in my heart”, whichever, is the wall that stops me from wanting to go home. I could not bear to meet his eyes, those innocent eyes that deceived my trust so many times. As I stare out the window of the hotel room; overlooking the pier and a many tall buildings, billions of twinkling lights lit up the world as I slumbered unconsciously. Gazing out into the endless night sky suddenly makes my heart feel heavy and it feels like moving me to tears. The water that glistened under the brilliant lights of the city felt like tears that would have trickled down my face. I’ve thought about this one too many times, yet I can’t regain control of how my emotions spill out of me like an open book.

Do you know what it feels like to have someone you love a little bit more everyday turn his back and walk away? Do you know what it feels like to watch the half of your heart stop loving you a little bit more each and every passing day? To not be able to fall asleep; wondering if the one you love deeply falls asleep every night with someone else in his mind? When you finally trust him again, he just takes it all and throws it away? To have your heart broken and broken and broken all over again and watch him seem so ignorant and indifferent? To cry and weep and feel alone with no one to hold when he’s out laughing with his friends? To sit in a lonely corner and have him walk pass briskly without even thinking twice about caring? It feels like crap, pure hurtful sincere crap. Crap has never been put to such good use until now as it really is the perfect situation that portrays the word “CRAP”.

I could have been happy, we could have been happy but that’s all it is, it could have been; it’s a path you took and your fiction promises touched my heart misleadingly. You depicted a character I could have loved all my life but you took my trust and ripped it into a million pieces again and again upon recovery. Thanks for being there and making me believe that you cared. With my love growing strong for you each and every day, it’s impossible to face you and not weep in front of your face. It is a great sadness that has been thrusted upon me. I love you so much, if only you could feel the same sincere way about me too.

Once a long time ago, I used to wake up and smile; a truly happy smile and think of you. Now all I am left with is thoughts of how happy I was and could have been... and how much I loved you then, and how much I still love you now. When you asked if I wanted us to break up, my heart felt like breaking in two, it screamed no, it screamed out in terror, hurt and disbelief. I heard my heart cry, I heard it moan and weep. My poor heart suffered from the intensity of emotions that I felt. For once I saw into my heart, it was me with bloodshot eyes from the misery, from the hurt and sadness it has been thrusted upon and had no other choice but then to engulf and endure. My poor lonely heart that watched you slip away each and every day out of my clutches until you were too far out to reach. My broken heart that was too harshly damaged and too injured to nurse.

I had a choice, to have you stay or leave. My heart begged you to stay; the pleading eyes of myself from the very core of my heart froze every inch of my muscle in my body. I knew the decision I had to take, the choice I had to make, and my heart I had to forsake. When you asked me if I wanted you to leave or stay , it just meant you had no interest in trying to fix up our battered relationship, it was strained and it became so one sided and I could do nothing about it. This was not of my own accord and I watched you set fire to our ship and dance on the burning deck. With a heavy heart and all my will, it was a mistake I knew I would regret later but I had to make. With everything I had to lose, I said goodbye.

When the sun finally dawns against the horizon, the lights of the bustling city slowly dies down and the atmosphere of the city starts to sleep for awhile. The billions of brilliant lights that once twinkled in the black of the wee hours of the early morning like fireflies were no longer visible at this time of day. Shades of blue matched the early winter weather here as it looked cold and freezing. The atmosphere of my surroundings looked blistering cold, even by the looks of it sent chills up my spine, literally. The sun that arisen against the sea made the sky fade a brilliant blue red that I loved so much. Its rays cascading down the sky like ribbons and it lit up the harbour as the water shimmered with an orange-red-blue colour. The once black sky that was away from the rising sun faded to a light pastel blue with cotton white clouds that outlined the blue skies. A sense of loneliness overwhelms me and as I looked up at the sky once again, I said a silent prayer and looked for a silver lining among the clouds.

I knew goodbye was coming my way, I just wished it would have lasted a little longer.

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this is an old post from before. I wrote it while I was dealing with my break up with somebody :O